Melissa's communication rules● SWALLOW YOUR PRIDE: Too often I hear that clients don't want to extend the olive branch or make the first move because they want their partner to do so to "prove" that they're to making change in the relationship. If the goal is to create change, someone has to make the first move; why not you? Your partner probably feels the same way you do, so why don’t you lead by example?
● HONEY, NOT VINEGAR: by this, I mean act in a way that will encourage your partner to give you what you need and want from them! I KNOW you’ve all heard the phrase “you catch more flies with honey than vinegar”, right? When we give someone vinegar, they’re not going to give us honey back. Be kind, caring, empathic… because when we are, it makes others want to be kind, caring and empathic back to us! ● CHOOSE YOUR TIME AND PLACE: when you need to have an “adult conversation” with your partner, make sure that you are both in the right frame of mind to do so. Ensure that both you and your partner have your basic needs met (not hungry, exhausted, etc.) and are in a decent mood. ASK if they are in a good space to have a conversation! Being under the influence of alcohol or drugs (yes, even marijuana, or just a drink or two) is ABSOLUTELY a “no go” for discussions. ● TIME-OUTS: when conversations start to get heated or one of you cannot consistently follow the communication rules, definitely take a time-out! The rule part of this is, whoever initiates the time-out is responsible for restarting the conversation within 24 hours (there is no hard-and-fast time for reinitiating- whenever works but definitely within 24 hours if at all possible); also, the time-out request MUST be honored by the other partner. It is NOT to be used as a tool for avoiding something you don’t want to talk about. ● EMOTIONAL HONESTY: Be honest about how you feel. We are operating under the assumption that each of you are communicating your honest feelings. Since you are not psychic and you don’t share a brain, it’s not your place to question this or tell your partner they are wrong about what they think/feel. You can ASK if they might feel a particular way, but you must accept their response as the truth and move on. Mean what you say, and say ONLY what you mean. ● LISTEN: actually hear what your partner has to say. Don’t filter it through the template in your head of what you THINK they are going to say or start formulating your rebuttal argument in your head- actually hear the content of their words to you. You might be surprised. ● REFLECT: restate what your partner said in your own words, so they know you were listening, as well as so you can make sure your perception is accurate. ● DON’T INTERRUPT: Even if what you feel they are saying is inaccurate. Let them finish talking, so you don’t miss anything, and also so you don’t shut them down. ● SHOW EMPATHY: Consider your partner’s feelings, even when you feel they’ve hurt you/wronged you in some way. Remember that your partner loves you, and you love them, so be kind to your partner! ● BE PATIENT: you do not need to fill all the silences - tolerate them and allow your partner time and space to articulate if they need it. ● DON’T CRITICIZE: No snarkiness or backhanded compliments allowed. Don’t tell them what they did right just so you can say “but you’re still doing THIS wrong…” Just stick to the positive. Also do not “Yes, but…”. Just zip it! ● ACKNOWLEDGE/APOLOGIZE: acknowledge your partner’s “wins” or good efforts, or apologize for contributing to their frustration/hurt/anger. Research shows the best way to get someone to repeat a behavior is to acknowledge it and give positive feedback. You can shape a person’s behavior by praising their effort, even if it’s not exactly the result you wanted. ● GRATITUDE: when your partner acknowledges or apologizes, express how grateful you are for their caring about you and how you feel. ● HOW CAN I HELP: If your partner expresses a frustration or hurt, ask what you can do to help or do differently in the future? Think creatively, there are often simple solutions to minor irritations. |
Melissa Johnson, M.S.,
LMFT, LPCC
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